Requiem

i’m feeling blue right now ._.

I swear, there has not been a month since starting school that I have not gotten sick. Being emotionally unstable with everything that happened up to and after my grandfather’s passing…having not cooked one decent meal since probably the first week of the quarter…not able to get a single night’s sleep without tossing and turning and waking up at least 3 times a night. Quite literally I’ve been sick every month since last quarter, but this quarter has been the worst. And everything is adding up, only to show in my grades at school. I truly truly fear for my grades and even being able to pass…

Went to my first retreat this weeked. Did I have fun? Well quite frankly, No. I got sick during retreat. Headache and dizzyness, hot flashes, cold sweats, fever. So I missed a whole day of activities. This weekend sucked.

I’m so tired of not eating well, not sleeping well. I’m really hating school right now, and i want to drop out. I’m sick of being sick. I seriously want to go home. I want to go home so badly.

Happy Birthday to you

happy birthday to you

happy birthday dear VIFZKY

happy birthday toooooooo youuuuuu~~~~

hope you have a good one dearie <3333333

…

not enough time to blog about the weekend, hopefully i’ll get to that in a couple of days…

Feeling: blue

Had a group presentation for Ethn today. Let’s just say that we weren’t totally prepared. We were decent, but I can tell that the professor wanted more from us. I hope she grades kind of easy. School is looking pretty grim for me at the moment.

[Trip Home]

I can’t remember much about weeks 1-3. The thing that stands out the most was how hectic last weekend was. Last week I had a physics quiz and a math midterm. Both of which I failed because I didn’t have the heart to study. Throughout the week, my mom has been updating me with the condition of my grandpa. My grandpa who seemed to have just a common cold after the wedding. A common cold? Not so. Pneumonia? Yes.

He was taken to the hospital and then later placed in a convalescent home. But the family was really worried for him. This wasn’t his first time having pneumonia, and at his age, pneumonia is very dangerous. We worried contantly over him. He had his bad days and his good days. He’d seem cheery and talkative, and then less so.

And then a turn of events. I can’t quite remember it now. All I know is that they had a feeding tube/IV put in, and this is only because the relatives truly believed it would be a temporary situation. That he would get better. But he disliked it and pulled it out. More than once… I just remember getting that phone call from my mom. ‘He’s getting worse.’

And more relatives came to help out my mom, dad, and my auntie mary and annie. A convalescent home is supposed to be a place where a person can recover health and strength after an illness. But my grandpa wasn’t getting any better. Pretty soon I heard from my mom that all my aunts and uncles were going to visit him, as well as the cousins that were able to. It was decided that my brother and I would also go see him.

So my brother and I flew back home friday evening. We went straight from the airport to visit my grandpa. Let me just say….it was so hard. So incredibly hard; to see him lying there struggling to breathe. I’d rather not go into detail of how he looked. My mom told my bro and I to say something to him, that he could hear what we were saying. But it was so tough. I couldn’t do it. I started crying instead. And just thinking about it makes me cry now.

…I’m not sure how long we stayed. But by this time it was 8 and we hadn’t had anything to eat. So we went to go eat dinner. It was a nice dinner. Good, authentic chinese dinner.

When we went back after eating. My cousin Jeff was there. He looked up at us, and said “He’s gone.” and he started crying.

I sort of had a bad feeling as we entered the place again. while we were walking to his room, two nurses ahead of us turned into his room. But to see Jeff start crying…I have never seen him that emotional. It broke me down.

Still, the hardships weren’t over.

My grandma has been at my grandpa’s side through everything. The only reason why we went back after dinner was because she hadn’t wanted to leave his side. We were going to take her home after dinner. Of course, when we got there, he had passed, and my grandma had been taken home.

We went to her house to drop something off to my aunt. And that visit was another tough one. My grandma didn’t know that my grandpa was gone. The thing is, she has been by his side for look hours. It was so exhausting for her. We believe that she had been nodding off…Having to see her and talk with her while knowing that SHE doesn’t even know that my grandpa had passed. It was really sad.

I wish we could have stayed longer. But my oh so great brother had an opera to go to on saturday. So we left saturday afternoon. It was so rushed. Two flights in less then 24 hrs…add to that emotional breakdowns, physically ill, and not enough sleep. I was a really bad weekend.

We’re flying back tomorrow in time for the wake tomorrow night, and for the funeral on saturday…It’s going to another busy, hectic weekend. I should get some studying done right now because I won’t be able to get anything done later.

Oh God. I’m anxious to go home and be there with family.

Feeling: two-faced

I missed the early bus and lost track of time for the late bus. Shoot. Not going to math class two lectures in a row. Soon I’ll be drowning in my own self folly.

[The 21st Birthday]

My 21st birthday came and went this month. I can’t say that it was an awesome birthday, but it was certainly memorable. I think it wasn’t “awesome” just because…I’m really not sure. Its been a really long time since I’ve had a genuinely nice birthday without having to act like I had a naturally nice birthday. For some reason, on my birthdays I always force myself to act like I’m having the time of my life. I think ‘oh, its my birthday, birthdays are SUPPOSED to be fun, I guess I have to act like I’m having fun.’ So while it IS fun, but its not the top of the fun meter. What perverse thinking. What is wrong with me?

I didn’t tell many people that my birthday was coming up. Nor did I plan anything for myself. I’ll admit that I wanted to see how many people actually remembered my birthday; to see if any of my old so-called ‘friends’ would give me that birthday call. So calculating. I’m so selfishly scheming.

So my birthday landed on the First Week’s weekend, saturday to be exact. Went to friday night fellowship and as usual we went out to eat/get boba afterwards. This particular friday, we went to TapEx for boba. At midnight, the fellowshipers that were still there sang happy birthday to me. It was kind of embarassing…kind of not because it was pretty much all LIFE-ers in there anyway. Not many ppl actually knew how old I was turning, let alone that it was even my birthday. Only a few people knew, and was telling everyone. And the one reason for this is called ‘Facebook’

I want to say that I forgot about facebook. But I didn’t. Facebook is the cheaters way out. A real friend would know without looking on facebook. Anyhow, I didn’t forget that my birthday was on facebook. Half of me wanted to take it off just to see who would actually remember. The other half was afraid that nobody down here would know when my birthday was. Guess which side won out?

I left it up.

At about 12:15, my roomies kidnapped me. Lauren threw a blanket over my head and ushered me out of TapEx into a waiting car. Adrianne has an awesome video of this. The funny thing is that on the way to the car, we had to stop and let another car pass so that we didn’t get run over. lol. and I also hit my head against the car as I was getting put into the car. Not very hard, but it was just funny.

They took me to a Korean Karaoke, Restaurant and Bar. The place was really neat. We had yogurt soju, which doesn’t actually taste as bad as it sounds. I had about 8 or so shots of it, but that stuff either has low alcohol concentration, or I have a high tolerance. I think its a little bit of both. Adrianne got red, really cute. Me? It didn’t seem to affect me very much. Slightly tipsy if I moved my head too fast, but other than that I was pretty much fine. It was fun, but not fun. Kind of boring while we were actually there. I admit, I wanted to do some drinking on my birthday. Not 21 shots, oh god no. But more than those 8 shots of yogurt soju which did nothing to me.

Saturday, Saturday: I spent the afternoon reading/studying for my classes. How lame is that. The reason? well i had kept my weekend free because I was hoping my friend Michelle would come down from UCR for my birthday. Remember, this was also a three day weekend, so it was perfect. While she did come, unfortunately it wasn’t really for my birthday, but for someone else who was also turning 21. They, of course, did a lot of drinking.

Anyhow, I was supposed to go to Newbie Night for LIFE. Its where all the new people of LIFE get to go to Uncle Dale&Auntie Sharon’s big mansion for a night of fun and games. The thing is, I didn’t really want to go because I’m not close to the freshmen at all (they’re a very tight group where outsiders find it hard to keep up) and i was hoping to spend it with Michelle. That of course didn’t work out, but I decided against going to Newbie Night. I’m thinking now, that I probably should have gone.

Well, I didn’t spend time with my brother either. You must be thinking ‘what a horrible brother.’ It’s not his fault. Some is friends from Spore came to visit, and i figured since he won’t see them very often, he should go entertain them. We would have dinner on Sunday instead.

So saturday night, I had dinner with the apartment at Thai Restaurant. Not a fancy one, which would have been nice, but I had been craving Pineapple Fried Rice from this place for awhile. Afterwards, they brought me to Ralphs to go buy a wine cooler. They wanted to get a picture of me getting carded. So there we are, with this bottle of Arbor Mist: Exotic Fruits, that is getting ringed up. Lauren has a nice video of us looking kinda confused, and more than a little bit disappointed when the cashier didn’t even ask for an I.D. Isn’t that horrible? That is so bad. Our apartment is so young looking too.

Well we got our wine cooler and were suppose to drink it, but we ended up watching CSI on Amy’s computer. Lauren kidnapped me out into the living/family room where there were quite a few people coming from Newbie Night. Surprise party with a cake that Amy had made that afternoon when she said she was going to “study.”

The ironic thing is that I was kind of expecting a surprise party. You may think that its somewhat vain of me to expect one, but all last quarter, LIFE people were always having surprise parties for someone’s birthday. So I wasn’t that surprised at having one, but at the amount of people that showed up. Not that many people were actually there, but more than I thought there would be. Now the funny thing is, I actually heard our front door open when all of them came in. Yes, while we were in our room, with the door closed watching CSI…I heard the front door open. Our roonm is like two steps away from the front door. So I hear the front door sound, but then I totally and seriously forgot about it while I was watching CSI. So I was surprised. That and the cake caught on fire. hahaa.

Sunday: More studying during the day. Went out to eat with brother at Olive Garden. I was kind of expecting it to be just me, him and his spore friends. So I invited Michelle and her bf (who is also my friend) Ryan. His spore friends didn’t go but he invited Tiff, Diana, and Corinne as well, so that really surprised me. It was a good dinner.

So that was my 21st birthday. I never did end up drinking that wine cooler. I was getting over that slight fever I had mentioned in my previous post, but almost every night I was going to sleep past 3. And while I was eating good dinners, I wasn’t having breakfast or lunch. Add to that freezing cold weather….thats just asking to get sick again. Which I did.

And the whole time, my Grandfather is sick. Trying to get rid of what began as a cold but soon turned into something worse. Much, much worse.

Mood: blue

I should be doing something more productive, like working on that essay that is due next week. Instead I’m relying on an excuse I have yet to be excused for.

[Winter Break]

Not much to report here. Got rather annoyed at my friend who was driving us back home for break, mostly because he brought back with him all this unnecessary crap. Big deal then, not so much now. Not big enough a deal that requires me to write about it in detail. Let’s just say that my break could have been a whole month at home if he didn’t decide to return back to SD earlier. Bargained with him to leave a little bit later, but it was still too early. Early enough that as the first one back in my apartment, it was so lonely. And after a month of home, it made me so incredibly homesick. Homesick to the point of making nonsense whining noises as like hyperventilating. =X yeah, it was that bad.

Cousin Daphne’s wedding to Roland in San Francisco. Really cold, but I got a lot of nice comments on my dress. Nancy is six months pregnant but doesn’t look it. I sort of worry for her health. She’s a skinny vegetarian that needs to gain more weight for the new life beginning in her.

Got sick a little bit afterwards with a mild fever. Grandfather got sick too. And since bro was sick from before and I was sick, we didn’t want to visit him in case we made him worse….and so we didn’t.

But we should have. Oh God. We should have.

…and this is how it all began. Winter Break. a time of joy, laughter, family, and love. Absolute, everlasting love for you.

Feeling: sick and tired…tired of being sick; hungry

I’m not sure where to start. So much has happened lately. I suppose the best thing to do is start from the beginning, but thats so hard to do when considering all the events which have occurred. Regardless, the only thing I can do is make an attempt to start from the beginning…..

[Fall Quarter ‘06]

The quarter passed at an amazing speed. That’s probably about the one thing that stood out the most. I’m not saying it passed quickly in my classes, and by that I also am not implying that my classes passed at a slow crawl. I’m just saying that time, in itself, flew. Before I knew it, it was 3rd week, then 6th, 9th…and lo’ and behold! Finals! Somewhat not of a surprise though. I came into UCSD with the mentality that it would be super fast (which to an extent was true), so to compensate, I vowed to keep up with in my classes. Let’s just say that a couple weeks in, it didn’t seem to feel as incredibly fast as everyone made it sound. The inevitable occurred and I slowly spent less and less time with my studies. The overall result? Passing all my classes, but not even obtaining a 3.0 gpa. That is so extremely sad. I only managed to get a 2.9. I am so utterly ashamed of myself.

So if I wasn’t studying, what WAS I doing? You know, I’m not quite sure about that myself. No, I did not go out and party and drink my ass off. My social life was actually quite non-existant. I stayed at home a lot, attempting to study but getting distracted left and right. What did I do then? Well…I actually started going to a church. Yep, church. I almost immersed myself in church. Thursday night Seekers Group meetings (for those who want to know more about or are seeking God), Friday night Fellowship, Sunday morning church.

I used to be very reluctant going to any church related functions. While I believe in God, I just never went to church. I remember my going with my brother when I came to visit him and he brought me to his Fellowship…I didn’t like going. I always felt so out of place. Granted, everyone is super nice, but if you know me, you know that I don’t do very well in crowds. That feeling of ‘not belonging’ has dissipated somewhat and in its place is guilt and more shame.

I didn’t join any clubs, organizations, or sororities. And as you know, I don’t make friends easily, so what is left to me? The church. I feel horrible that it seems like I’m going only to make friends, and not to learn more of the Word. I’m not saying that I’m totally against learning His word, I AM listening. Perhaps not truly listening, absorping, AND practicing, but I my mind IS open, and not closed. Still that’s probably just me trying to justify my guilt and make me feel better…which isn’t quite working. I still feel guilty. One of my high school friends said she was kind of like that at first too, going for friends that is. She said that all I needed to do was take it easy. Let it come to me if He wills it. So that is my one consolation.

On the plus side, I’ve made a few good friends and quite a few acquaintances from going to LIFE. (LIFE [Living In Faith, Eternal] is the Fellowship)

That pretty much is all I really have to say about last quarter. Actually, I’m just too lazy and not remembering what else happened. :]

thanks for hosting/setting up blog for me again =]

[heart]

just testing

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